Mun asks:
I am 42 and married and with 2 children. I have been having some marital issues stemming from a lack of intimacy and lack of financial support from my husband for the past few years, but I kept all these issues/problems to myself until last October when I burst out. At the same time, due to not wanting to face reality and wanting to escape from it all, I started thinking and looking up online a lost love from 21 years ago, my very first love.
There was so much love and passion with my first BF that it all came back when I saw his name online as I materialized his existence (I made believe he was dead for all these years). I know this is silly, but I have not stopped thinking about my first BF since last August and the vivid memories I have of him are from the past and I wonder how he is doing today and want to see him so badly, but I must control myself because I don’t want to do something stupid. I’m so glad he is out of state and reachable only by plane, but thoughts have come to mind to pick up the phone and catch up with him and arrange for a face to face meeting. I really miss him and feel so guilty as I am now married, but in a relationship where the love that I once felt for my spouse if slowly fading away.
I know this is not healthy and need some advice. My spouse is aware of our issues and is working on putting his act together, but I am very confused with what is going on with my feeling and emotions. Do I call my ex to put some closure to a relationship from 21 years ago or just let it go and live life as usual? I am afraid that not knowing about my ex is more of a torture now that he is back in my mind than to pretend that he does not exist. It took me about 8 years to move on and forget him when I was in my 20′s, but it only took minutes to bring him back to my mind and memory and I feel that I cannot easily remove him from my psych if I don’t put a closure to the relationship that I once had with him unless I contact him. I appreciate the advice you can provide… thanks!
Inspirations from Binah replies:
A friend recently said to me that with social networks, you can never really escape your past. Unless you change your name or never go online, gone are the days when you graduate from high school and leave behind your small town. If you are online, anyone can find you… and with a little perseverance, you can find anyone. I tend to think this is a good thing because it makes us face the past instead of running away from it. I mean, how can you really move forward in life if you have a festering wound you keep ignoring?
Like it or not, your feelings for your first boyfriend exists. Judging or labeling them as unhealthy is only going to add confusion, so release those thoughts. As human beings, we have a tendency to romanticize the past. While there is nothing wrong with this, it is important to recognize that our memories are not always accurate. Basic defense mechanisms minimize pain and maximize beauty, this is why we often find ourselves repeating hurtful patterns — we forget the suffering until we are back in it.
Regardless of what “may” be, until you work through your own issues, there is no point in contacting your first BF. Seeing him again will not make the problems in your marriage disappear. Now is the time to look honestly at yourself to find the thought patterns and behaviors that have contributed to the marital discord. Once these have been healed, you can look at the situation with fresh eyes and determine whether you leave your marriage to pursue the past or close that door forever.
Sit in the present moment and acknowledge that you and your first BF shared something special. Give yourself permission to reconnect to those feelings of young love and wonder without attaching to the person. Your goal is to bring this energy back into your life, exploring all the avenues that can take you there.
Your Spirit Animal is Born
Spring is upon us in the northern hemisphere, so it is appropriate to call upon the animal kingdom to help you. In the woods, a fawn has been born to help guide your way. This spirit animal is here to gently teach you. A deer never pushes for change, rather it nudges you in the direction of acceptance, for the balance of true power lays in love and compassion.
This spring, consciously connect to your fawn in search of learning and healing. You can place a figurine next to your bed to guide you in dream time, meditate on a picture or go into nature and commune with one in the physical. Every time you connect, allow the fawn’s energy to melt the barriers that separate you from seeing your patterns. Let your spirit animal shower you with unconditional love as you work through your fears and pain.
When a deer totem enters your world, a new innocence and freshness in about to be awakened. New adventures are just around the corner and there will be an opportunity to express the gentle love that will open new doors for you. -Ina Woolcott
When Summer begins, your fawn will have reached a new level of maturity, and with its growth you will have found the answers you seek. In sacred ceremony, thank the fawn for all you have been taught and allow it to return to nature. Your deer will always be with you in spirit, providing loving support and gentle guidance. You will learn how to listen to your heart and recognize that sometimes the higher good requires a sacrifice. Only when you are free of expectations can you find the alternative path that will lead you to your goal.
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