We all lie… especially to ourselvesJanuary 10, 2011
Time and time again, I have conversations about how people are afraid to really pursue what they want in life. Relationships, work, passions that could become careers… they are just too hard. We can’t find enough time, money is tight, the obstacles too great, etc. And yet, I was noticing that when we really want something, even the silliest thing, we somehow figure out how to get it. So what gives?
As I walked to an appointment last week, I realized that in reality, we are all liars. We lie to ourselves every day, creating reasons why we can’t do something when we really could if the desire was great enough. Worse than that, we project those lies onto others in such subtle ways that we no longer realize we are picking and choosing words in order to create a specific version of the truth. You tell your friend you got lost on the way to meet him when you really didn’t feel like driving anymore so instead of pulling out your directions, you turned around and went home. Clients get told you are all booked because you would rather go home and watch TV, but at the same time you are complaining that you don’t have enough money. You don’t go to the theatre because it is too expensive, yet you just spent the same amount on the type of food you keep telling yourself you should not eat.
I have a great friend who keeps telling me that between her kids, work and being sick, she hasn’t had time to do anything. As we talked about what she’s been up to lately, I realized that every time someone comes over her house, she spends hours chatting with the visitor. You can often find her online browsing through random websites and listening to music. How do you do that when you have no time? I probed her a bit on the subject, asking how often people come over her house and spend hours there, and it turns out that this was a frequent occurrence. After another glass of wine, she finally opened up enough to admit that she has a hard time motivating herself to leave the house, therefore if the activity is at home, she easily makes time for it. So the truth is not that she lacks time, it is that she does not want to go out.
Another friend claims that he is fed up with people that are not willing to put some effort into making the relationships in their lives work. He claims that true friends will take the time to work through issues instead of just hiding from hard subjects. He sees people as afraid of living the lives they truly want, but when push came to shove, he couldn’t live up to his own words. I saw him ignore a friendship he claimed was valuable -not returning phone calls and only reaching out when it was convenient for him. When his friend spoke up about feeling marginalized and used, the friend was blamed and the friendship lost. Even though my friend stated time and time again that he very loyal and believes that you have to nurture understanding, when it came time to walk to talk, he walked away without giving it a second thought. He lied to himself and to his friend; he is not willing to take the time to hear what his friend needs, he only gives on his terms.
So why is this important? Who cares if we lie to ourselves a little? It is important because unless you understand the true cause of a block, the root of your behavior, you are never going to be able to manifest what you want. You can cut activity after activity, freeing your schedule, but if motivation is what you lack, not time, then you are working on the wrong obstacle.
When the lie goes beyond your sphere and affects those around you, then you not only perpetuate your block, you hurt others in the process. When you tell someone they are really important to you, but don’t act on it, you create a disharmony in both lives.
While speaking your personal truth can be hard, it is the easiest way to unblock your emotional and spiritual development. When see yourself honestly, from a place of love, instead of casting blame on things outside of your control, it becomes easier to find alternate routes to your destination. You can only change yourself, therefore it is better to accept that you didn’t go to your friend’s dinner party because parties are uncomfortable and show how much you value the friendship by scheduling a one-on-one activity instead… true friends will happily schedule the date once they understand the circumstances.