Inspirations from Binah

From Madison:

I really want to move on from my ex, but I find myself wanting him back and wanting to contact him. He’s not good for me and I know this but I still have a hard time moving on. Also there is this guy I really care for but I don’t want to scare him away, I would like to be with him so how do I go for him without making him run

The attachment you still have to your ex continues to cloud your thoughts. I urge you to focus on healing yourself before opening up to someone new. Trying to be with this other person right now would cheat you and he out of the chance for future happiness. Have faith that if something with this new person is meant to be, he will be there when you emerge healthy and whole.

The heart and mind can be very disconnected when it comes to matters of love. Knowing that someone is bad for you does not necessarily translate to letting go. You’ve taken a major step forward in setting a goal of moving ahead without him, and though you may cycle back to him from time to time, having that goal will prevent you from falling back into the abyss of the relationship.

One thing to explore is why you want him back. Do you miss him or just the time you spent with him? Do you fear being alone? During the course of the relationship you no doubt shared many interactions that you don’t know who to share with now – the afternoons spent together or a quick phone call when you hear a funny story. Many times, we confuse the desire to fill idle time once spent with a loved one with a desire to actually be with that person again.

Find new ways to fill your time, new friends to share experiences with. Surround yourself with a support system that you can contact when you desperately want to contact him. If you find yourself wanting to talk to him and there is no one else you can talk to, write in a journal or go find an activity that will fill the time until the craving passes. Visualize the cords between you melting away until they are delicate strings connecting you to the beautiful memories of the past, yet not strong enough for you to use to pull him back.

In times of weakness, you may find yourself involuntarily reaching out to him and re-establishing the attachment. Allow yourself to say what you need to say and then disconnect again. Do not punish yourself, for we are human and at times, the heart wins over the mind. It is not a setback, but a necessary part in the grieving process. The connection gives you a chance to purge a feeling and move forward unencumbered by the thought that you never got to say what you really wanted to say. In time, you may feel strong enough to have a friendship with him, but this can only happen when your boundaries are firmly in place and your desire to be his partner has passed. Until then, allow yourself distance.

In the end, the best piece of advice I can give you is that which has been said a million times before, “time heals all wounds.” You are grieving the loss of what was, so every emotion is acceptable. Feel what you must feel and move forward. Keep your focus on your goal, dream of all that you are going to do, and live the new life you want…